Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
