I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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