My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
