I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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