It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
