They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
be right there i have to get my cape
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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