Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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