i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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