R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
