after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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