i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
