I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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