So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
