i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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