Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
