the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So squirting runs in the family.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
