I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize