I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
