he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Randomize
