It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
