Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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