I met the friendliest cop last night
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
