i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
