It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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