Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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