We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
