Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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