the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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