If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
