just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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