she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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