i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
