Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
