this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
