it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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