I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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