I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
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