You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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