totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
