It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize