I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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