That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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