I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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