i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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