WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize