Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
