"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize