listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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