I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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