Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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