Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
