I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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