please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
