He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
