trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
