What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
