i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
