I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
dude. I can hear the air.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
