Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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