Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
