i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
